Aloud.

Yesterday words crept from my lips and freed themselves before I had the chance to see mutiny in my midst. The thought came out in a quiet hush, but it felt much more like a shout

"I think I'm happy..."

My fears tumbled over one another, dog piling all the reasons why I never should have said such a careless thing out loud.

"What if it's just the weather? What if tomorrow remembers the despair?"

"You shouldn't be happy, you're still so crippled and unsure! There's still so much to work on.. what if you're just avoiding the truth of all the ugly that still lives here?"

"Is that even fair? Is it even ok?"

"You never say it out loud... Don't you know that!? Everyone knows that..."

A handful of words uttered within a square foot space in time and my mind had already retraced its steps and censured the rumors trickling from my heart's moment of blithe.

Something will go wrong, it always does!

I've been weeping at the tombstones scattered across my cemetery of dreams, waiting for a moment to slow my weighted breaths. Hasn't Spring withheld its face, Winter crowding my space, till now?

There's something terribly wrong when the flicker of happiness is scarier than that of harrowing grief.

But here I am and I can't remember the last time I felt like this; my heart swelling much like when the ocean violently kisses the edge of the highest cliff!

Despite being utterly aware of how very unfinished and rough my heart remains, I can't help but be so in love with resting within simplicity and the body of this process. It has induced joy that I've not known for years; smiling in the colorful silence and basking in this peaceful calm.

My life is not without pain or trouble; havoc has burrowed in and claimed its place for a season whom's end I cannot predict. But while there is a very slight chance that I've developed a stomach ulcer due to the anxiety and stress that seems to be preying on my subconscious, I am far more than merely surviving. My heart can be found at ease more often than not.
I've simply decided that I refuse to be defined, and confined, by trauma and chaos.

Instead I will learn what it means to live in simplicity and wonder.
I will relish the little things such as walking to market and buying fruits and vegetables from local farmers, and learning how to cook/prepare said vegetables.
I will listen to new stories and adore the hearts that breathe them, choosing to look deeper than word on the street and the branding mistakes behind them.
I will take the time to enjoy the process of stretching to touch the edges of fluidity, and then the moments when in some cases I may land in solidarity.
I will not fear the threat of possible mistakes, but rather embrace the battles lost and the battles that I will have the privilege to courageously face.
I will laugh often and dance like a four year old at any time of day, because I can.
I will have fun.


I am happy... and I will say it out loud.