Unhinged.

This... this courage knows no shame;
till its jekylle borrows time in a panicked attempt to save face. It thrives on the chance to risk it all for even just one moment of unmitigated sense.

But wasn't this the original sin? To speak before I think, to feel before its safe?

This... this is nothing like me.

I'm the archaic walls built higher than your will to climb.
I'm the promise that your heart will break well before mine.
I'm the distance that I'll run before your inch takes a mile.
I'm the lie that claims indifference masquerading with an elusive smile.
I'm the symptoms of a little heart with too many ancient inner vows to keep.

I'm the surprise that sees a crack in the hardened shell of concrete.
I'm changing it seems.

This... this terrifies me.

Shackle my confessions to the roof of my mouth, stop these floodgates from impulsively rushing out.
Dare me to be silent, dare my heart to recall solitary confinement, dare me to use my better judgement.

Anything but this...

Daily wars are waged in the caverns of my soul; my pride seeking to protect at all cost, my heart begging to feel and count all as loss.

This... I think this might kill me.

Wake.

There is a silence that breathes louder than my distractions and it's living in my numb.
I feel words but they cannot find my lips; they gather like the autumn leaves upon my doorstep.

Comatose.

I float, alive and weightless, above the truths of my reality in the hopes that they will disappear.
They have not.

Linger longer near these terrors and you'll come to understand my listless air. Yet, there are no excuses I can hold tightly; I am wholly responsible for my current disrepair. I see my faults more plainly than these lines that define my weathered hands. I could run from these fears forever, but I cannot escape their source within me.

Here's that moment where I wrestle a "yes" from this hearts beating breath; trapping my fleeting feet beneath duty and raw hunger. Give me a few seconds to collect courage and dim the lights on my souls childish outrage and I promise I'll begin.

Begin to turn and run towards the fears conceived in pain.
Begin to feel enough to have to choose to forgive.
Begin to remember what an unguarded heart even sounds like.

I will begin.

To the first.

All your letters... I finally let them go.
I remember the time when I thought I'd never have to and that it was ok to hold onto them for memories sake, but yesterday a different point of view found me.

I took the time to carefully read each one... my fingers feeling the familiar textures of the different types of papers you used for each letter and note.
I saw the moments that accompanied each word.
I heard your voice bending to the inflection of your thoughts in each phrase.
I felt the sparkle in your eyes as if you were standing right there bleeding your love onto the pages.
I wasn't just reading and remembering your letters; I was reading and remembering you.

I let my wounds and their protest drift far from my mind in that moment and I chose to remember you.

Just you.

Not the pain, not the conflict; only you.
And within that window in time I loved you as you were... where we were.

But this time was different because I didn't want to go back.
I wanted to remember you well, to remember you beautiful... And I did.
But I realized that after months of begging my soul to forget you, my heart had finally made its way back to me.
Suddenly there's room for something new and I no longer ache for you.

My tears fell freely upon the pages in my lap and I felt the weight of that defining moment. I could have wept as each one slipped from my fingers into the grossly undistinguished trash bag assigned to the ending of this process.

As I started to breathe in the new borders to this season that I'm entering, I knew that I couldn't take these pieces of you with me. You can't be the memorial that I run to when I feel scared and alone.
As I pack my life and my memories away to see a new time and space, I quietly lay you aside and whisper my goodbye.

I don't believe that I'll ever forget you...
But this is where I make room for all things new.
This is where I take one more step of letting you go completely.
This isn't where I bitterly get over you; this is where I peacefully move on.

This is where my love goes free.