And life.

I thought maybe it would help. I thought maybe if I see them and we laugh together, maybe it would feel good. 


It was once electric; our connection. Laughter was always easy, even when it was hard; it was easy. Because we've seen grief before. We've wrestled against our bloodline crying for relief; desperate for even the resemblance of peace. 


But. 
Something changed. Love grew into a broader place. It took on a different face; one more weathered, one more full of grace. 


And then there was life. It happened, just like it does. 


Weddings happened. Children followed. And life kept moving. 

Cousins became best friends. We were magical. We had adventures. We made movies about important things; or at least funny things. Some of us became moody teenagers. Some of us held onto childhood for dear life. We grew up. We fought. Our mothers staged a level 2 conflict resolution. We realized we were hurt. We cried. We hugged. We loved. 


You started dating again. But this time, you weren't playing any games. You knew exactly what you wanted. You wanted Mr. Rogers. But... a Presbyterian pastor would do. 


You remarried. We were relieved. You were happy. 


You watched your family grow. We became diverse. We became colorful. We wore our humanity on our sleeves. You loved. 


You were taken. 


Now when I see them I always expect to feel relief, but there is none. I know it's me. I know it's the illness of grief, but I can't help but feel the ache of that unfulfilled need. It's as if I see them not in the fullness of who I've always known them to be, but in the light that shines so cruelly on the missing. 


We are suddenly all found wanting. 


Your absence is louder than our laughter. And it is not without hope that I say this, but rather it is what seems to be my attempt to take one more step in the midst of this grief. 


You're not coming back. Not in this time. Not in this space. The pain of that separation continues to speak. I wonder if it fades, or if it merely takes a backseat to only raise it's head from time to time when memories find our mind's eye. 


I wonder when it gets better. I wonder if I'll ever miss you less. I didn't plan for this. 


I saw them yesterday. We laughed. We remembered you and your cute grumpy face. We loved. We missed. We silently knew we all needed comfort. When we said our goodbyes there were long, quiet, hugs. 

And life; it kept moving. 

Still.